The long awaited founding convention of a new socialist organization, the American Socialist Society, or ASS, was held in New York today. The stated goal of ASS is "the formation of a socialist organization, with no revolutionary pretensions, and inoffensive as possible to the general population." Noticebly absent were the usual leftist symbols such as red flags or posters with depictions of clenched fists and red stars. An American flag was prominately displayed on the stage, while at the back of the room, hung a large banner with the words, "Peter Camejo said it, I believe it, that settles it."
Louis Proyect; who served as Chairman of the convention, explained, "symbols such as red flags and clenched fists put people off, while the U.S. flag has a much more positive appeal." In the spirit of the lowest common demoninator, the conference opened, with everyone standing and reciting the Pledge of Allegience to the Flag.
In the spirit of avoiding terms such as "comrade", so as not to offend the average American, the ASSists voted to address each other as "neighbor," with the newly elected three person leadership team of Louis Proyect, Clay Claiborne, and Pham Binh, referred to as the "Neighborhood Watch." Proyect explained that this term was less offensive than traditional terms such as Central Committee, or Political Committee. Proyect was elected as Chairman, of the leadership group, effectively making him the Chief ASS.
Referring to recent events in Egypt, Proyect stated the Egyptian left was at a serious disadvantage, as a result of the name of the major socialist group, Revolutionary Socialist. Proyect denounced the Egyptian socialists by asking, "how in the hell do they expect to influence, much less lead a revolution when the word 'Revolutionary' is part of their name?" Proyect assured his audience that ASS "would refrain from using terms such as working class, revolution, or anthems such as The Internationale, which only serve to divide us as a people." The delegates began chanting "Down with The Internationale, up with God Bless America!"
There was a short debate when Proyect suggested that the July 26 Movement in Cuba and the Sandinistas in Nicaragua serve as models for ASS. One unidentified delegate raised the objection, "but both these organizations came to power by way of armed struggle." Proyect deftly parried this objection, with the slightist hint of a smile, by saying, "read Lars Lih."
A motion, calling on the U.S. military to intervene in Syria passed. One delegate objected, by suggesting the reasons for supporting US troops in Syria were the same reasons the Bush administration used for invading and occupying Iraq, and for possibly justifying a war, in the future, with Iran. Claiborne sponser of the resolution, rose to speak, shrugged and responded, "eat your heart out," apparantly referring to a recent video of a member of the Free Syrian Army, cutting out and eating the heart of an enemy fighter.
Binh called on ASS to support a resoluting prohibiting the ownership of firearms by individuals, by asking, "why do we need guns, when we have the police and the military?" Binh further explained,
"it's a well known fact that gun ownership is a gateway to eating red meat and smoking cigars!"
After passage of the gun restriction resolution Binh called for the ASS to go on record to support Democrats in primary elections. When another speaker expressed concern that this could lead to supporting Democrats in the general elections, Binh waved the objection off with, "You're making a straw man argument. Besides, are the Democrats really so bad? If it wasn't for Bill Clinton, we wouldn't have NAFTA, Welfare Reform or financial deregulation." The resolution passed.
In the spirit of reflecting American values, and being inoffensive as possible, the convention closed by standing and singing a rousing rendition of God Bless America.
DISCLAIMER: This report is a work of fiction. It is how I imagine a socialist group formed by the administrators and many of the contributors to The North Star and Marxmail would look like. The names have remained unchanged in order to expose the guilty.-Ken Morgan